He defines power as the ability to subvert another’s will, and by associating this with his self-worth, he merely arrests his own emotional development, sentencing himself to live in misery and loathing life, others, himself.
Human beings are hardwired to yearn for happiness and meaningful emotional-connections in your relationships! Narcissism is a love deficit condition by definition, however; and thus, seeking feel a love connection with a narcissist is akin to trying to get grape juice from raisins.
If you leave a narcissist, it means taking nothing he has ever said or done personally. All of his actions speak to his sickness, pathology, and false-self wounds (early childhood trauma). He cannot or will not change. To him, to change himself, to feel remorse, or empathy is to act like those he deems inferior! Those he believes deserve to be used and exploited. In his mind your relationship is a fierce competition; and asking him to change is akin to giving in, losing, admitting he’s inferior.
4. You realize it’s up to you to protect all you love — to include your sanity.
As the fog lifts, you increasingly see the abuse for what it is, how predictably he works to make you feel blamed for his wrongs. In fact, he’s gathered data, listened carefully to what you shared, to know what makes you happy, and with intent, seeks to pull you away from what makes you feel happy and good. In short, he finds pleasure to make you feel bad, get you to doubt yourself and sanity, and even worse, persuades himself that you “like” being mistreated!
It’s not easy to leave a narcissist because his lies attack your sense of self and sanity. It’s up to you to understand that your health, as a human being, depends on your feeling good about yourself, and life. You’re hardwired to do so. Furthermore, if there are children involved, they are looking to you to set the standards for what is normal, and what is not, in a couple relationship, for what it means to be a woman in relationship to a man. A real man is first and foremost a human being, and that means, male or female, each person loves, values and seeks to empower the strengths, growth and best of the other.
You may find yourself hating your life, or self, wondering what’s wrong with you, feeling resentful, perhaps even bitter about so many unfulfilled expectations, most all of which have become reasons to doubt yourself, your sanity, your adequacy.
For too long, you have based your self-worth on the narcissist’s evaluations and judgments, dismissal, and disapproval.
It’s up to you to take the reins of you thoughts and feelings and mind and heart … away from the narcissist.
Everything you love is on the line. He’s out to steal whatever you most love and enriches you and your life.
The reason to leave a narcissist is to protect your sense of self, agency and sanity, and everything you love in life, happiness, hope, belief, gratitude, kindness, and relationships with loved ones — everything that is sublime about being human, and critical to the formation of meaningful and mutually enriching relationships.
Life is here to teach us that, while we will always love to feel loved and valued by others, the only critical source of sustaining love that we absolutely need, without which our physical and emotional and mental health will suffer, is our own!
5. You realize how critical it is to choose wisely what you feed your mind.
A narcissist rejects human common sense and wisdom. Their game is to prove they can break their partner, like a horse, to feel invisible, not existent. The harder you work to feel heard by a narcissist, the deeper you risk swimming into shark-infested waters.
To want to change him is like wanting to change godzilla. It’s not possible to find the right thing to say or do to prove your loyalty or make him feel secure. He’s playing a different game than you. This makes him dangerous to “argue” with, as he’s shut off from empathy and remorse. What dehumanizes him, however, also protects him. You do not have this protection, and neither would you want to — it would be stepping into training yourself to be a narcissist.