5. You realize how critical it is to choose wisely what you feed your mind.
A narcissist rejects human common sense and wisdom. Their game is to prove they can break their partner, like a horse, to feel invisible, not existent. The harder you work to feel heard by a narcissist, the deeper you risk swimming into shark-infested waters.
To want to change him is like wanting to change godzilla. It’s not possible to find the right thing to say or do to prove your loyalty or make him feel secure. He’s playing a different game than you. This makes him dangerous to “argue” with, as he’s shut off from empathy and remorse. What dehumanizes him, however, also protects him. You do not have this protection, and neither would you want to — it would be stepping into training yourself to be a narcissist.
They cannot give you what is not inside them to give. And it’s not available to them, it’s intentionally shut off, blocked, a part of them they hate, feel disgust for, and fear as dangerous proof that they are, in reality, a house of cards. They totally deny their “true self,” a universal human self-consisting of amazing strengths and powers alongside vulnerabilities.
These patterns are toxic for men and women alike and make it impossible to form anything but dysfunctional marriages and families in which children are traumatized, and the legacy of maintaining harsh hierarchical social norms at all costs prevails and is passed down from one generation to another.
When you live your best life, it also helps others around you to rise to become ever better versions of themselves.
We’re all on this life journey together, as humans! And living your best life after experiencing an addictive relationship with a narcissist means unlearning the dehumanizing norms and thought control patterns he instilled in your mind. It’s important to note that, the only reasons they can get into another person’s mind lies in the disarming array of tactics they use — and the fact that you, like most human beings, were totally oblivious to the rules narcissists play by.
You didn’t know you had to literally arm yourself with heavy duty empowering beliefs to protect you!
Once you see their tactics and know what you need to do to protect your mind and heart — they have no power over you that you do not allow — amazingly!
A narcissistic psychopath loves to hate and be hated. Don’t give into their plans for you. Their goal is to prove that everyone is the narcissistic hater of others, aggressively competing to get-others-before-they-get-you. That is not living! That’s the inhumane, walking-dead life of psychopaths.
Do the opposite! If you give in to hating, regardless that it may feel deserved, you’d be choosing to act more and more like them.
(Note: Passing thoughts, feelings of hatred, are normal; lingering there is the problem. Learn to feel difficult feelings, then shift to optimal ones. Seek professional help, if needed.)
If you’re going to heal and live your best life, the best option is to shift to what you are for, and access inner tools you’re fully equipped with, reconnect to your innermost values, or core emotion-drives, and to cultivate your ability to connect to healthy anger and fear. This formula allows you to transform the fears and pain of past traumas into positive, optimal actions — in ways that protect your mind and heart, brain and body, from the toxic effects of hatred, rage, scorn, and the like.
What you’re against weakens you, and even worse, blocks or keeps throwing you off the journey of healing from addictive relating to a narcissist. You deserve to give yourself the gift of your own self-love and acceptance, to enjoy and celebrate the freedom to love and, use the pain you’ve experienced, to transform and live your best life.
In sum, there are good reasons to leave a narcissist, at least emotionally. You do so because there are certain elements that are critical to your health and growth:
(1) liking and respecting yourself in the relationship;
(2) staying connected to your heart and gut to discern truth from lies;
(3) realizing the labels narcissists try to pin on the women they are in a relationship with, such as “dangerous” or “crazy,” really speak to how serious their own thought disturbance is;
(4) your own love, respect or sense of value (as an adult) is the only one you critically need to heal, rescue or restore balance and meaning in life; and
(5) your thoughts and mind shape your life — mindfully observe and thoughtfully choose them.
Feel gratitude for coming out of the fog.
Learning to grow your capacity to fully love and respect yourself, and life, and to connect with your authentic voice, and inner sources of strength and wisdom is your work, a labor of love to embrace with a smile … it’s also your best protection from attracting another narcissist partner.
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Written by Dr Athena Staik
Originally appeared on PsychCentral.com
Printed with permission
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