2. You realize the extent to which you’ve believe his lies, excuses, opinions of you, others.
It makes you feel angry, in a healthy way, to note you’ve been buying into what he says he is, rather than looking more closely at what he consistently does, and doesn’t do. You notice, there is increasing chaos in many relationships you once held dear, and somehow he never owns a part, instead blames you or others for his drama and craziness. Even when he’s used abusive words or actions, you note his game is to gaslight you into thinking he’s the “victim” you must rescue to prove your loyalty.
You also note how hard you work to prove you’re not everything he accuses you of being, for example, that you’re not “selfish” or “crazy” or “controlling” or “disloyal” or “a cheat,” among other accusations. Looking closer, you begin to notice that he uses accusations with intent, for example, to start an argument to avoid doing something he doesn’t want to do, or to block you from going somewhere you wanted to go, or perhaps just because he noticed you’re happy about something (and can’t stand it).
Even when he’s not around, it upsets you to note how much thought and energy you expend thinking about what to say or do to deal with his “insecurity” in your love and loyalty. You hate how your precious mind is taken over, as if you’re on trial and your mind is a judge and jury.
You also observe a pattern in the “things” he says to make you mistrust, or turn against your family or friends. Or, if he’s a covert narcissist, you note how easily he charms others with his people-pleasing behaviors, sets you up to look appear “unreasonable” or “controlling,” and, in effect, gets others to side against you.
Stop second guessing, trying to explain or to reason with him. It’s a total waste of time and energy. His goal is to make you feel invisible, get you to waste your energy, break your spirit. The narcissistic psychopath is in a world of their own because of the dehumanizing ideology they’ve been conditioned (by early life experiences, trauma) to live by. The hatred and scorn and no remorse they feel for those they deem weak and mistreat, in their mind, is evidence of their superiority. You cannot “reason” with this; and it’s crazy making to do so. Be kind to yourself. Save your energy. Take nothing he says at face value. Instead listen to your gut deep inside.
3. You realize how “not normal” he is.
It’s understandably disturbing to take a closer look at his behavior patterns, for example, to note that he puts repeated effort in making you feel small or invisible, discrediting what you say, gaslighting you to derail a conversation (which ensures your “issues” never get addressed, at least not in a normal way of “arguing”), and so on. He also acts to tarnish your reputation, turn you against family and friends, or turn them against you, in effect, slowly but surely, isolating you by attacking your key relationships.
Though you want to believe that he “really doesn’t know” what he’s doing, or that it isn’t intentional — it is.
A narcissistic psychopath not only acts with intent to make their partner feel invisible, his goal is to break them into believing their inhumane treatment is “normal.”
He’s telling you who he is by his actions, or lack of action. Believe him.
Based on neurolinguistic studies of behavior, the best measure of who a person is, what they most want and value, and believe lies in what they consistently do. Their actions, or lack of actions. That is, what does or doesn’t do tells who a narcissist is at heart, what motivates them, and what they believe and value, and what they have planned for you and your relationship.
The abuse is not just the “usual” throwing of labels and attacks back and forth, when one or both persons in a relationship get triggered and say and do things they later regret.
The narcissist not only mistreats, shows no regrets or remorse, he also relishes making a woman squirm, feel bad, just to prove he can. This tells you his worldview. In his mind, this is proof of his superiority and entitlement to use and exploit a woman as if a slave, and his actions are how he displays his status and “superiority” and rightful dominance.
In reality, a person that is obsessed with proving dominance to feel worthwhile holds an ideology that seeks to dehumanizes them, and normalizes the dehumanization of those groups deemed “weak” or inferior.
It’s a worldview that upholds master and slave relations between humans as normal. Only in this worldview do some persons think it’s normal to treat others like punching bags with impunity.
Inhumane treatment of any person regardless of sex or faith or tradition is never normal. It is pathological.
What is dehumanizing to one person in a relationship, due to the mirror neuron feature of our brains, is dehumanizing to the other.
The narcissist thinks it’s his job to break their partner, or child, so they no longer have thoughts and feelings about how their mistreatment, to accept they are mere objects of pleasure that, like a sports car or boat, are there to prop up his ego, waiting to serve at his pleasure.
This ideology is aligned with all forms of hate propaganda, regardless the group that is targeted and identified as weak, dangerous, etc.
A slavery mindset is not normal behavior!
He’s a lost soul at best, at worst a psychopath is pathetically disconnected from his human sense of self, which is the “true self” of human beings. He’s so fragile, like a house of cards, because he desperately seeks to keep his “false-self” image of himself, with godlike rights to rule over others, propped up. For humans, this ape-like behavior is beneath human dignity. Human beings are hardwired to yearn to be treated with dignity from the first breath to the last. (To be honest, what narcissists do to prove dominance is even beneath what apes in the jungle do.).
A person who thinks master-slave relations between men and women is his job to impose on others is not normal.
A narcissist is his worst enemy due to his fear and desperate attempts to avoid, but also eliminate evidence of human love and vulnerability responses in himself, and in others around him. He defines power as the ability to subvert another’s will, and by associating this with his self-worth, he merely arrests his own emotional development, sentencing himself to live in misery and loathing life, others, himself.
Human beings are hardwired to yearn for happiness and meaningful emotional-connections in your relationships! Narcissism is a love deficit condition by definition, however; and thus, seeking feel a love connection with a narcissist is akin to trying to get grape juice from raisins.
Leaving means taking nothing he has ever said or done personally. All of his actions speak to his sickness, pathology, and false-self wounds (early childhood trauma). He cannot or will not change. To him, to change himself, to feel remorse, or empathy is to act like those he deems inferior! Those he believes deserve to be used and exploited. In his mind your relationship is a fierce competition; and asking him to change is akin to giving in, losing, admitting he’s inferior.
4. You realize it’s up to you to protect all you love — to include your sanity.
As the fog lifts, you increasingly see the abuse for what it is, how predictably he works to make you feel blamed for his wrongs. In fact, he’s gathered data, listened carefully to what you shared, to know what makes you happy, and with intent, seeks to pull you away from what makes you feel happy and good. In short, he finds pleasure to make you feel bad, get you to doubt yourself and sanity, and even worse, persuades himself that you “like” being mistreated!
His lies attack your sense of self and sanity. It’s up to you to understand that your health, as a human being, depends on your feeling good about yourself, and life. You’re hardwired to do so. Furthermore, if there are children involved, they are looking to you to set the standards for what is normal, and what is not, in a couple relationship, for what it means to be a woman in relationship to a man. A real man is first and foremost a human being, and that means, male or female, each person loves, values and seeks to empower the strengths, growth and best of the other.
You may find yourself hating your life, or self, wondering what’s wrong with you, feeling resentful, perhaps even bitter about so many unfulfilled expectations, most all of which have become reasons to doubt yourself, your sanity, your adequacy.
For too long, you have based your self-worth on the narcissist’s evaluations and judgments, dismissal, and disapproval.
It’s up to you to take the reins of you thoughts and feelings and mind and heart … away from the narcissist.
Everything you love is on the line. He’s out to steal whatever you most love and enriches you and your life.
The reason to leave a narcissist is to protect your sense of self, agency and sanity, and everything you love in life, happiness, hope, belief, gratitude, kindness, and relationships with loved ones — everything that is sublime about being human, and critical to the formation of meaningful and mutually enriching relationships.
Life is here to teach us that, while we will always love to feel loved and valued by others, the only critical source of sustaining love that we absolutely need, without which our physical and emotional and mental health will suffer, is our own!