Commitment in a healthy relationship is the willingness to give the self without losing the self in the commitment. We choose to surrender to love.
In this concept, surrender is not about losing or giving in or up, as our ego would see it. This type of surrender is to gain or benefit much more than we would lose or need to give up.
Its intent is to compliment the self in relationship, to enhance the self through the relationship.
Commitment can be difficult for some because it can take you out of your comfort zone.
The following list can be reasons why a person can be fearful, avoiding and struggling with commitment.
1. You perceive and believe the personal “self” will be threatened or intimidated because of the commitment.
2. If one perceives and believes that making a commitment is risky, and believes the sacrifice will result in losing more than will be gained.
3. A perception and belief of loss of personal and/or professional freedom.
4. If you need certainty, a commitment can seem like stepping into the unknown, creating uncertainty and a feeling of loss of control.
5. Feeling of vulnerability, that your partner will discover your flaws and weakness and not see you as good enough.
6. A damaging experience from a past relationship. Where either you or your partner was traumatized, taken advantage of, rejected, betrayed, or humiliated.
There are times in a relationship when one intentionally or not, said or did something and it impacted the other in a negative or hurtful way.
We can get triggered by this and go emotionally unconscious, so we get reactive, defensive, or passive (shutdown). In this, communication will get confusing, distorted, and misunderstood.
A big part of effective communication is to stay aware, to respond, not react, and to seek to understand the other. We often want to be heard more than to listen.
The biggest communication problem is that we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. If we focus more on our reply, we’re not focused and listening to the other person so we won’t really understand them.
“We can improve our relationships with others by leaps and bounds if we become encouragers instead of critics.” — Joyce Meyer
We are more focused on them needing to understand us.
The most important part of communication is listening and seeking to understand, to ask questions for clarification and increased understanding. When you feel listened to and understood, you feel validated and valued. True?
Good communication enhances understanding, trust, and connection. It also leads to more effective problem-solving when conflict arises.
Be as clear as you can in your expression of needs and intentions. Speak in terms of “I”, not so much “you”.
Another cause of poor communication is assuming or mind reading. This only leads to misunderstanding, confusion, mistrust, and conflict.
Good communication strikes a healthy balance with the goal or intention and the relationship.
If you or your partner are too focused on the goal, you will likely be more aggressive and demanding in the communication process.
If you are too concerned with the relationship (i.e. don’t want to hurt their feelings or cause conflict), you will likely be more passive and/or passive-aggressive in your expression and actions of your needs.
Neither the aggressive or passive communication style is healthy or productive. The aggressive communication approach is you win-partner loses, and the passive approach is you lose-partner wins.
Thus, cooperation and consensus in a relationship become an ongoing challenge.
This is about cooperation, seeking a win-win and is the result of a conscious and unconditional healthy relationship.
Consensus keeps in mind and balances the importance of both the goal/end in mind and the relationship. It allows for mutual opinions and ways of being. There is dialogue, negotiation, and compromise.
“Love unlocks doors and opens windows that weren’t even there before.” – Mignon McLaughlin
A consensus is a struggle to achieve if the need for power-over and need to be right is dominant. Self and shared responsibility and accountability are the keys to creating consensus.