4) Self-hatred CANNOT be overcome with tender loving care from the outside.
When a bump in the road like this happens, emotionally healthier people usually think, “oh, this is like me when I’m afraid and need reassurance. I’ll provide reassurance of how much I love them and that will do the trick.”
On the surface, “I can’t love” sounds like it’s totally curable and with enough time and loving care from someone (maybe a truly good woman like you)— he’ll eventually be able to get comfortable and trust you.
However, that process of change and healing those old wounds is not a superpower anyone on the outside possesses.
There is exactly ONE person who has that ability— and that is him.
The treatment that he THINKS he deserves right now is for you to agree he’s awful and leave him in the dust since he hasn’t earned anything else. If you don’t mirror his reality while he’s walking out the door, he will only continue to systematically devalue you.
That’s why all love and care coming from you— and any effort to “fix the relationship” has to stop. You can’t reassure him that he’s lovable or be the good woman who finally helps him change like in the movies.
Someone so determined to sabotage your relationship WILL accomplish it without serious introspection, emotional work and therapy.
Instead of taking responsibility for his “inability to feel love,” (for heaven’s sake… why not cut out the drama and give love a try instead?) he’s chosen the nuclear option— a breakup, which is a great way for him to experience more self-pity and self-hatred.
See how that self-hatred breeds more self-hatred?
It’s caused him to separate himself emotionally from someone who has the genuine capacity to love and care about him— thus perpetuating the “world-class dung-heap self-hatred” cycle.
That’s why I said at the beginning you can’t and shouldn’t do ANYTHING else in his direction except make yourself incredibly happy. And, that’s a big part of my program, Ex Attraction Formula— where I provide more insight and specific instructions about how to get your ex back.
Unfortunately, right now, every second that you plead, beg and negotiate with him in an effort to save your relationship is simply another opportunity for him to devalue your feelings and see you as a wimp who doesn’t think she deserves anything better.
But, this is NOT true. I KNOW you’re not a wimp. Quite the opposite– you’re a woman in love. There is not a THING in the world wrong with that— being head over heels for someone is one of the sweetest and best parts of life. Like all of my clients you’re a problem solver who really cares about someone.
Because he probably won’t and can’t say it clearly right now— thank you for loving him deeply.
It’s people who really love each other who take the time to ask me these questions. I honor your feelings 100% and in no way intend for this to sound harsh. It’s just that what actually works to get someone back when someone is acting strange and self-hating like this is often counter-intuitive.
You don’t have to stop loving and caring for him. Just make yourself happy from a distance until he’s ready to dig in and work on things between you. Try to go out and have fun.
Don’t let that self-hatred multiply.
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Written by Elizabeth Stone
Originally appeared on AttractTheOne.com
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