The problem is that damaged people don’t hear what you’re saying in a logical way when emotions around words that start with “L” start to run high.
When you reassure them of your love and maybe express your totally reasonable pain over their hurtful and rejecting withdrawal (no shame here— even the most iron-willed among us have tried having a rational discussion about what’s happening)— they think this:
“See? I AM toxic and unworthy. Look how much I’m hurting her. Plus, how could anyone love me when I’m acting like this? She’s obviously not as good as I originally thought. This isn’t safe for anyone. I better cut this off now.”
See how the disrespect twists over from themself to you? It’s the old Groucho Marx quote played out in real time: “I wouldn’t want to be part of any club that would have me as a member.”
BECAUSE you love him— and he feels completely unlovable— your loving care eventually makes you look like a total idiot to him.
This is why people pull away when they fall in love, why they do insane things like kill great relationships for “no reason” and cheat, abuse and hurt loyal people who truly do love them.
4) Self-hatred CANNOT be overcome with tender loving care from the outside.
When a bump in the road like this happens, emotionally healthier people usually think, “oh, this is like me when I’m afraid and need reassurance. I’ll provide reassurance of how much I love them and that will do the trick.”
On the surface, “I can’t love” sounds like it’s totally curable and with enough time and loving care from someone (maybe a truly good woman like you)— he’ll eventually be able to get comfortable and trust you.
However, that process of change and healing those old wounds is not a superpower anyone on the outside possesses.
There is exactly ONE person who has that ability— and that is him.
The treatment that he THINKS he deserves right now is for you to agree he’s awful and leave him in the dust since he hasn’t earned anything else. If you don’t mirror his reality while he’s walking out the door, he will only continue to systematically devalue you.
That’s why all love and care coming from you— and any effort to “fix the relationship” has to stop. You can’t reassure him that he’s lovable or be the good woman who finally helps him change like in the movies.
Someone so determined to sabotage your relationship WILL accomplish it without serious introspection, emotional work and therapy.
Instead of taking responsibility for his “inability to feel love,” (for heaven’s sake… why not cut out the drama and give love a try instead?) he’s chosen the nuclear option— a breakup, which is a great way for him to experience more self-pity and self-hatred.
See how that self-hatred breeds more self-hatred?
It’s caused him to separate himself emotionally from someone who has the genuine capacity to love and care about him— thus perpetuating the “world-class dung-heap self-hatred” cycle.
That’s why I said at the beginning you can’t and shouldn’t do ANYTHING else in his direction except make yourself incredibly happy. And, that’s a big part of my program, Ex Attraction Formula— where I provide more insight and specific instructions about how to get your ex back.
Unfortunately, right now, every second that you plead, beg and negotiate with him in an effort to save your relationship is simply another opportunity for him to devalue your feelings and see you as a wimp who doesn’t think she deserves anything better.
But, this is NOT true. I KNOW you’re not a wimp. Quite the opposite– you’re a woman in love. There is not a THING in the world wrong with that— being head over heels for someone is one of the sweetest and best parts of life. Like all of my clients you’re a problem solver who really cares about someone.
Because he probably won’t and can’t say it clearly right now— thank you for loving him deeply.