When I spoke to Lisa his wife, she said was fed up with lack of affection; “the only time he kisses or hugs me is when he wants sex. He will come up behind me when I am washing the dishes or watching my favourite TV show and expect me to be all love after he has ignored me all day. By then anyway, I’m tired and fed up, so there is no way I’m getting intimate.”
This example is so common it comes up almost weekly in my practice. One wants sex and isn’t getting it, so doesn’t feel like being affectionate, the other wants affection and withholds sex until they get it, so it becomes a vicious cycle. Neither is feeling satisfied or close. To break it, one or ideally both need to give first. When couples do that their relationship transforms.
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TIP – 3: FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL – YOU & YOUR HAPPINESS
In a relationship, we can never control how someone acts, as much as we would like to. Controlling behavior leads to distance, resistance, and shutdown.
Instead know that if you focus on being happy, easy going and fun, the flirting and affection will normally follow.
Often when men or women confess to me that they know they have not been affectionate towards their spouse it’s because they are stressed, dealing with a loss of some kind or concerned about the relationship or future. Rather than asking them to change, support them and aim to inspire them by being loving, happy and full of energy and light yourself. By becoming more focused on your own happiness and self-care you will become more attractive and be giving them the space that perhaps they need.
Bottom line, fretting about a lack of affection won’t help you save a marriage or make your marriage more affectionate. So focus on what you can control you and watch the stress release from you both.
I hope something in this article is useful to you.
From my heart to yours, Nicola
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Written by Nicola Beer
Originally appeared on SaveMyMarriageProgram.com
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