Are you having a hard time finding true love? Has dating become a series of disappointments? Do you think you are destined to be alone? It’s time to take off your rose tinted glasses and take a good look at what you are doing wrong.
How many times have you gotten excited about someone you were dating, only to be disappointed weeks or months later?
It’s not that you have such a hard time meeting people – it’s that you can’t seem to keep a relationship going or even get one off the ground.
Sometimes your new love interest comes on strong but later flakes out. Other times, you think this person is IT, and then you find out things about them that make you realize this is not the person you can spend your life with.
Or maybe, like many of my clients, you work so hard at relationships and never seem to get the same kind of investment in return.
For some reason or another, things just don’t work out for you.
And it hurts. A lot.
Not only that, but you’re plagued with worry that you’ll never be able to sustain anything meaningful. You wonder if you’re just destined to be alone.
In this message, let’s pretend we’re face to face in my therapy office. We’re going to go through the reasons this is happening to you, open your eyes to some of the mistakes you’re probably making, and show you how to turn things around.
3 Common Mistakes We Make On The Road To Finding True Love
Because I counsel both singles looking for love and couples struggling to keep love alive, I have a unique perspective on what it takes to make love last.
I’ve noticed certain similarities between people who can’t find a partner and people who are in a troubled relationship. As you read through these, ask yourself if any of them are operating for you:
3 Damaging Mistakes That Are Keeping You From Finding True Love
1. You think a good relationship is always smooth sailing
If you get nervous at the sign of any disagreement in a budding relationship, and you start to question whether this person is right for you, take note.
People who jump the moment things get a little hairy in a relationship are bound to stay alone.
The truth is that every relationship – even the most loving and connected ones – will experience serious ups and downs.
In fact, partners who learn how to handle conflict effectively, in the beginning, develop the kind of deep intimacy and safety that keeps them together for the long haul.
2. You work hard to “keep the peace” in your relationships
Do you make great efforts to appear as easygoing, low maintenance, and agreeable as possible when you meet someone new?
Going with the flow is fine, but not if deep down you really want something different from your partner. When you try not to “rock the boat,” you actually create the perfect conditions for a tempestuous storm.
Not only will your new partner never know your true needs and desires, but this is an act you simply can’t keep up. Sooner or later, you’re going to explode with resentment.
3. You ignore your deal-breakers and must-haves
When you’re longing for a love relationship, it’s easy to tell yourself that a potential “red flag” doesn’t really matter to you.
Something unsavory pops up about your date and you brush it aside thinking, “Well, nobody’s perfect!”
But if you aren’t clear on what you want and need in a romantic partner, you’ll end up spending precious time dating people who will never be able to create the relationship you want.
The Common Critical Ingredient In Successful Relationships
When you look over the three mistakes above, notice that there’s one common theme running through all of them:
Radical authenticity.
For a relationship to work, people need to be raw and real with themselves and with each other.
That means you have to be so honest that you risk creating conflict, making waves, and calling it quits.
Read that last sentence again, because it’s what everything I teach rests on.
It may seem incredibly scary to reveal what you want, what you need, and who you are. You may think that doing so will severely diminish your prospects.
You may be terrified that you’ll end up dying alone.
But I guarantee you that this is the only path to the lasting love you long for.
When you tiptoe around a partner, hide what you really want, or pretend something is not important to you, you’re not building an indestructible relationship.
You’re precariously piecing together a house of cards that will inevitably collapse at the smallest obstacle.
How To “Do” Heroic Honesty To Attract And Keep Lasting Love
When you commit to shoving your fears aside and being radically authentic, it’s a leap of faith.
But you’ll start to see the magic in it before long. Because when you have this kind of self-awareness and confidence, you are truly magnetic.
You’ll effortlessly weed the wrong partners out and draw in your one amazing life partner.
And when you meet this person, you’ll be able to sustain your love through every season of your life together.
When you subscribe to my free relationship advice newsletter, I’ll teach you everything I’ve discovered about dating and relationships after having counseled couples and singles for over 40 years, including:
- How to truly understand yourself and your partner in order to create the kind of authentic relationship that goes the distance – even through the inevitable ups and downs of life
- How to zero in on your ideal partner and attract real, lasting love into your life
- How to identify and transform your negative patterns in relationships so that they don’t control you or keep you away from the love you want
- How to keep the passion and excitement alive well past the “honeymoon phase”
- Secrets of creating true intimacy – the kind of bond that acts as a “super glue” for your relationship
Written by Randi Gunther Ph.D.
Originally appeared in Heroic Love
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- Research Proves The Most Successful Relationships Come Down to 3 Basic Traits
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