2 Biases That May Be Hurting Your Relationship

2 Biases That May Be Hurting Your Relationship

By Jon Beaty

Researchers Elizabeth Robinson and Gail Price found that couples in unhappy marriages tend to underestimate the number of positive interactions in their marriage by 50%. As Dr. John Gottman explains, every couple has a “Story of Us Switch.

When the switch is turned on, couples tend to look back on their early days fondly. When they talk about the tough times they’ve had, they glorify the struggles they’ve been through, drawing strength from the adversity they’ve survived together.

When the switch is turned off, however, couples tend to look back on their early days with resentment and blame. For some of these couples, the Story of Us Switch may seem stuck in the off position.

We all make mistakes when judging situations or people, and biases influence many of our conclusions. Failing to recognize and manage these biases can keep an unhappy marriage in the dark.

Confirmation bias

In the 1960s, English psychologist Peter Wason conducted a simple experiment where he presented his research subjects with a sequence of three numbers, say 2-4-6. Wason then asked his subjects to identify the rule that described the sequence by offering additional number sequences that followed the rule. His subjects offered other sequences like 4-8-10 and 6-8-12. Each subject concluded that the rule was a sequence of three ascending, even numbers. They were wrong.

In Wason’s experiment, each subject formed a hypothesis about the sequence of three numbers and set out to prove it. Because none sought to disprove their hypothesis, they failed to discover the actual rule Wason had applied, a simple sequence of ascending numbers.

Wason named this phenomenon “confirmation bias.” Confirmation bias is our tendency to pursue and believe facts that “prove” what we already suspect or believe to be true. Confirmation bias affects what we believe about ourselves, about the world, and about our relationships.

Consider an example. Jamie and Rick frequently argue about spending. For Jamie’s birthday, Rick surprises her with an evening out at a new restaurant he’s heard Jamie talk about. As the hostess seats them at their table, Rick notices that Jamie hasn’t said a word since they arrived.

“You seem upset,” he says. “I thought you’d be happy.”
“We can’t afford this place,” she replies. “Didn’t you look at the menu? You never look at how much things cost!”

Rick’s plan for a happy evening with his wife dissolves in an argument as Rick defends his choice, and Jamie continues to accuse him of frivolous spending.

In an unhappy marriage, confirmation bias can be destructive, especially when paired with negativity bias.

Negativity bias

Negativity bias is our tendency to give greater attention and weight to negative information.

Rick has noticed that his relationship with his wife seems different since Jamie left and came back from a week-long visit to her mother’s. Visiting her mom is something Jamie does once a year, but Rick insists this time is different.

Jamie didn’t respond to a couple of Rick’s text messages while she was away. She didn’t answer her phone one night when he called at the time they’d agreed on. Since she’s been back, she seems quieter, and a few nights went to bed early. Rick now believes that Jamie has been distancing herself from him.

Married couples need to be careful to not draw negative conclusions about their relationship before carefully assessing all the facts. A premature, negative assessment of your marriage may set you up for unnecessary conflict, dissatisfaction, and divorce.

After a month of suspecting Jamie was giving up on their marriage, Rick confronted her after Jamie failed to answer Rick when he called to her in the kitchen from another room in the house.

“If you don’t love me anymore, why can’t you just tell me instead of shutting me out?” Rick said angrily.

“What are you talking about?” Jamie answered.

He started listing her offenses, “You just ignored me when I called you from the other room. You didn’t return my texts when you were at your mother’s. You didn’t answer my phone call. You’ve been going to bed without me..”

“What is this about? I didn’t hear you from the other room,” Jamie explained. “The dishwasher was making too much noise.”

As for the other incidents on Rick’s list of offenses, it turns out Jamie’s phone battery had died a few times when she was away at her mother’s, and she couldn’t get to her charger right away. The nights she went to bed early, she had to get up early the next day to make it to early meetings with clients.

The antidotes to bias

Dr. Gottman has identified five tools that couples can use as effective antidotes to confirmation bias and negativity bias in their relationships.

1.Fondness and Admiration
Fondness and admiration grow when couples intentionally put a positive spin on their relationship, on their history together, and on each other’s character. When they talk about each other and their relationship, they choose words that express warmth, affection, and respect.

Measure the strength of fondness and admiration in your relationship with this short assessment. Often, when it appears fondness and admiration are dead, they are only dormant and can be revived with concerted effort.

Dr. Gottman’s New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work offers several exercises couples can do together to breathe life back into your positive feelings for each other. Consider beginning with this “I Appreciate” exercise.

2. A spirit of we-ness
Couples who share a common purpose with similar beliefs, values, and goals develop a spirit of “we-ness” in their relationship. When people allow themselves to succumb to confirmation bias and negativity bias, their focus often narrows to who’s right and who’s wrong. A spirit of opposition can develop with each spouse defending their own needs and desires.

Couples who choose to focus on the beliefs, values, goals, and dreams they share in common develop a sense of we-ness. When they tell their story, it’s most often about what’s important to both of them.

3. Love Maps
Confirmation bias and negativity bias can make spouses experts at pointing out each other’s failures and flaws. Doing so undermines the foundation for a happy marriage.

Happy couples build their marriage on an ever-growing catalog of knowing each other’s likes, dislikes, desires, and dreams. Dr. Gottman calls this vivid knowledge of the path to a spouse’s heart a “Love Map.” For help strengthening your Love Maps, start with this easy-to-use guide.

4. Stand together
Couples who’ve adopted a narrative that focuses on each other’s flaws and failures tend to fight against each other when problems arise in their marriage. Because they tend to criticize and defend against each other, put-down each other, or stonewall, their response to negative events drives them further part.

Negative events are inevitable for any marriage. One difference between happy and unhappy marriages is the tendency among happy couples to stand together during hard times, rather than against or away from each other.

In doing so, they overcome many problems that arise and develop stronger bonds with each other that contribute to greater happiness, in spite of their difficulties.

5. Eliminate negative thoughts
Once thoughts that your marriage is a disappointment or a mistake becomes a focus in your marriage, they’re like stains on a favorite shirt, and just as hard to remove. Confirmation bias and negativity bias can make a couple miserable.

Happy couples extinguish those negative thoughts as quickly as they enter their minds, and don’t allow them to take root.

In happy marriages, spouses believe they’re matched with the right person, and can’t imagine a better life with someone else.

This article was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog.

Want to improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less? Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up here.

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

— Follow Us —

Up Next

My Rendezvous With Life

My Rendezvous With Life

The treacherous waters of existence hail in their stride,As the beauty of sailing against the winds uproars in its ride.Benevolence in its yonder stirs the mirth of the true,Navigating the turbulent waves, death and I had a rendezvous.

I sought the beauty of the light that was unseen,In the depths of my muse, I found my world within.Life in its flair, trudged me into the emblems of the dark,The dreams that perspired in the seed embraced their death,As it was time for a new quest to embark.

Quaint whispers that echoed in their gallant stance,The jeers that surmounted the uncertainty galloped in their dance.Silencing the wind, bestriding the fall,I plunged into the entirety of my endeavours that call

For I chose to befriend the walk that marked the

Up Next

The Power of Understanding Your Love Language

The Power of Understanding Your Love Language

Love is the purest emotion one feels towards themselves and another individual. While the expression of love can vary in its entirety from one person to another, the care we hold for the ones we love shares an undeniable impact on how we forge our perceptions of interpersonal relationships. The way we communicate our feelings to someone also says a lot about how we are wired, the method of conveying our affection to our beloved ones is called a love language. You may express affection to the one you love regularly, but do you take the time to ensure that you are communicating it in the way that the other person prefers? Even love can become lost in translation when two individuals speak different love languages.

What are the five love languages?

Up Next

The Beauty Of Gratitude In A World Full Of Cynicism

The Beauty Of Gratitude In A World Full Of Cynicism

Ever acquainted with the phrase that the world that you exist in, the life that you embody dwells in the perception of the stance you hold for yourself. The beauty and the tragedy of life is that it is as beautiful as the optimistic lens of perception and as ugly as the pessimistic view of your being.

The strive of our endeavours and the constant effort to achieve the next massive milestone often drive us to the edges of insanity, to be in the consistent light of greatness we lose sight of the great strings of joy that bind our existence together. To be the best we have ever been we must be mindful of the best we are. Coinciding in the traps of negativity and yet claiming to be the best version of yourself is a blinding truth that lies to only

Up Next

I Breathe In The Sauntering Air That Collapses My Being

I Breathe In The Sauntering Air That Collapses My Being

I breathe in the sauntering air that collapses my being,I breathe through the crevices of my existence unseen.Uncertainty in its yonder strikes in bolt on the scars that nobody sees,Redemption that loves, redemption that is free, find me in the depths of my poetry.

Tales of lust ridden in smeared touches that belie,Entreated with envy, the visions of victory lie.To be or not to be in a question that yet lies,For I yearn for a world where fond passion never dies.

Enclasped in the cage of the deemed duty,Bounded in her vows, she forgot she was a thing of beauty.In a realm we live, where amour in its truth fails to stand tall,She, tired of her existence, submerges herself into the beauty that her dreams enthrall.

Chaos in its uproar hails in its darkness

Up Next

The Impact of Conflict on Workplace Productivity and Morale

The Impact of Conflict on Workplace Productivity and Morale

Conflict is a natural element of any dynamic whether it is personal or professional and knowing how to deal with it becomes an essential in any aspect of life. Conflicts in the workplace can arise for matters as trivial as difference in personal beliefs to matters such as project completions, working styles, deadlines, project goals and different outlooks towards work. For the sake of development and productivity, these disputes must be settled quickly and professionally. Understanding how conflicts arise and how to resolve them can help managers advance in their careers. We’ll go over what conflicts are, their different kinds, and the typical reasons why team members argue in this edition of The Wellness Digest.

What does conflict mean in the job?

Up Next

Identify The Wounds Of Your Childhood

Identify The Wounds Of Your Childhood

Being aware of the wounds of your childhood allows you to gain an understanding of yourself, including your emotions, behaviours, and thought patterns. Awareness is the first step towards healing, and acknowledging past wounds empowers you to address and work through emotional pain.

1. Wound of rejection

Childhood Impact: As a child, I felt like no one accepted me for who I was.

Adult Protection Strategy: Now, if someone or something makes me feel rejected, I tend to run away. I hide, isolate myself, and avoid everyone, even those who care about me. It’s like I believe everyone rejects me, and I don’t fit in.

2. Abandonment

Up Next

The Art of Self-Transformation: Tips for Personal Growth and Development

The Art of Self-Transformation

The journey of life often strikes us with a monotonous tone of finding chaos and distress in the mundanity of our daily lives. Not achieving what we set our mind to and being stuck in a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-pity is often a sign that something in our life is not going the right way. We need to take a step back and reevaluate the present situation we are in. Here are some concrete steps that you can follow to embrace change and become a better version of yourself.

1) Swot analysis –

One of the most important steps to understanding yourself is to assess your present situation and draw out the areas of your strengths,