My deep slumber is disturbed by a dream that was neither peaceful nor erotic, just ordinary- with blurred recollection of what it was all about. I am awake. The first thing that I do is extend my arm to the left side of my bed hoping to hold you as I turn that way…only to be met with emptiness- occupied with pillows that used to be yours.
I reach out and run my arms where you use to sleep. Moving closer, I lay my head on your pillows and inhale a distinct male scent that is yours. Realizing for the hundredth time that it’s fading and soon I won’t be able to smell you at all. My frown deepens- and I wonder what will I do then? How will I remember you in my bed?
As I lay awake knowing that sleep won’t come any time soon- my thoughts drift towards you- and my heart picks up its rate and I feel a painful tug there so I use my arm to try and soothe the ache. It’s futile. I miss you and I hurt at the same time. Nights like this, I always wonder; do you ever think of me too? Do you reach for me in bed hoping to draw me close to your side the way you use to? Do you miss me? Do you still hurt?
I learned last week from a friend that you have found somebody else and that you are happy. I can’t say that I am displeased by the knowledge; though I can ascertain that I am not happy about it at all. I guess having these two conflicting feelings exist inside me is what it means to be human. However, I wonder how much happiness does she bring into your life- is it more than I use to give you or just ordinary happiness? Is there ordinary happiness? Do you hold her in bed like you use to hold me? Do you reach out to her like you use to reach out for me?
How do I get answers to these questions? And if I do get them, will they make me feel better? Help me to hurt less and sleep gracefully past 2am…
I don’t know. And maybe I will never know.
So I turn my back on your side of the bed and try to get back to sleep. But I can’t…you are all I can think about and I am tired of giving you my 2am’s. But you rob me of them anyway. Every day. May be someday I will claim them back…but for now, thoughts of you consume me way past 2am.