10. We Feel Torn:
Pulled in many directions we float – almost out-of-body – trying to collect the pieces. We’re caught between our partner and our kids, between our partner and our parents. There’s a panic, a lump pf nausea in our gut, trying to bring things into focus, into line. We try to meet the regular needs of our kids, work, family and at the same time we feel out of step with our partner – and everything else.
We try to figure out the indefinable needs of our partner, try to resolve the rough bits and to make things look happy and great to everyone else. We feel we’re failing. We feel we’re sinking. We’re agitated and anxious. We hope no one notices.
11. We’re Uneasy – There’s Fighting and the Silent Treatment:
Bottom line – we’re afraid and apprehensive, cautious about how we approach them. If we ask where they went or if they’ve got $95 dollars to pay the cable bill the roof gets blown off the house with their indignant anger. Ask why they came home so late and they don’t talk to us for three days. Wonder out loud why the gas tank is already on empty and we’re treated to rage from hell. – Sometimes even certain words we use make them angry.
Emotions and feelings are messages from our body and mind. The meaning we give them leads us to safety or trouble.
12. We Worry About Getting Things Right:
We feel like we might get something wrong and upset them. Certain “rules” or patterns have fallen into place and seem expected. We feel we can’t break the rhythm that’s been set, a routine that caters to them. Maybe they tell us what to wear, or not wear. Where to go, or not go. When we can talk to our mom or not to talk to our mom. Maybe… they get physical or make threats.
13. We’re Feel We’re in the Wrong or We’re the Problem:
Feeling it’s our fault leaves us feeling like we don’t fit in – even in our own home. If we bring up the troubling thoughts on our mind, they tell us we’re imagining things – and that we’re the problem. Or they say if only we’d trust them things would be okay. If we’d stop questioning them everything would be fine. They tell us, because we’re so suspicious we’re ruining everything. We feel worse, nothing is resolved, we feel less and less “at home”.
I got these absurdities from the predator who hijacked me for a US green card: I can’t have sex!! Sex takes away my creativity. – And: Don’t touch me!! It makes me remember being beat. – And: You want a husband who lays around all day and makes no money? I can stay home! I can be a lazy guy! – And: My father never cheated with other women, why would I?! – And: It’s not good to be on social media, a private life should be private. – And: What money???!!! I don’t have any money!!!
14. We Feel Like They Don’t Care About Important Things In Our Life:
We don’t feel supported. We feel things we care about don’t faze them. Things in our lives we’d expect the person we’re dating or married to have an opinion about seem to never hit their radar. We get no response, or an odd reaction when our goldfish or our mom dies instead of any level of compassion.
We might get a blank stare, or a shrug and a grumble that doesn’t fit the circumstances – leaving us feeling like we’re falling through air. The fact is, our concerns and problems irritate them and put them on the spot. Sociopaths cannot relate to, feel or understand the feelings we have. – They truly don’t care. And these are clear signs we are used or abused.
15. Things Aren’t a Two-Way Street:
We feel let down and like the only one “giving”. Things are one way for them and another for us. We feel like we don’t count. They can use our car or take our money to go meet someone for lunch, but we can’t freely borrow their iPad let alone their car (if they have one.) – When they do use our things they “adopt” them as if our Kindle or book bag is now theirs. We do their laundry or stop by and feed their dog, but they’re unreliable or absent for us.
Their birthday is a big deal, ours is not – usually, we get nothing on our birthday from them. We’re tending to their needs – and it seems expected, while they ignore our needs – unless – by reciprocating they get: money, access to others to use, or a place to live, or something else they want.
16. We Feel We’re Being Lied To:
Things aren’t adding up. When they say certain things there’s a lurch in the pit of our stomach that floats up to shimmer in the back of our mind: somethings not right. (And then sometimes they say the oddest things, that make no sense like: “You only think you love me. If you knew who I really was you wouldn’t love me.”)
17. We Feel Like We’re in a Nightmare:
We know we have no idea what’s going on. This is like nothing we’ve ever known. We’re scared out of our gourd. We’ve done what people do in relationships and tried, and tried and nothing has changed except now we’re in danger, scared and terrified. – Now, instead of feeling, we’ll die without them, we feel we’ll die because of them. We know they could kill us.