11 Ways Narcissists Use Shame to Control Others

Narcissist Use Shame to Control Others

7) Religious Guilt.

It doesn’t matter what the religion of the narcissist or the other person is. In every religion, there are a set of standards and expectations. The narcissist will use the other person’s religious beliefs to guilt them into acting a certain way. They might even go as far to say, “God told me you need to…”

8) Offensive Play.

The narcissist will use personal attacks to put the other person on the defense. The other person will get so caught up in defending their name or character that they will miss the next attack. “Look how defensive you are, you must have done something wrong,” the narcissist will say. This is a checkmate position because the other person has nowhere to go. Offensive play is one of the most horrible ways narcissists use shame to control others.

9) Talking Above.

Instead of talking down (baby talk), the narcissist will talk over the other person’s knowledge level. Even if the other person is more intelligent, the narcissist will talk in circles with an air of authority to force the other person into an inferior position.

Related: Dear Empaths: 4 Types of Narcissists You May Be Attracting

They will use sophisticated vocabulary, physical posturing such as looking down at the other person, and embellishment of details to disguise the real point of shaming the other person.

10) Comparing Accomplishments.

It doesn’t matter what the other person has accomplished, the narcissist did it first, better, and more efficiently. By outperforming the other person, the narcissist minimizes the other person’s accomplishments in comparison to their own. This produces an ‘I can never be good enough,’ feeling in the other person.

11) First Impression.

A narcissist is very aware of how they look and appear to others. Frequently they are dressed in designer clothing with immaculate grooming. Not a hair is ever out of place. This is not just for the narcissist; rather their perfectionistic appearance is used to demean others. Comments like, “They don’t take care of themselves,” or “It doesn’t take a lot of effort to look better” are typical.

When a person can see a punch coming, it is easier to dodge. Resist the temptation to attack first with a narcissist that will only intensify their reaction. Instead, deflect and distract to avoid becoming a target.


Written By Christine Hammond
Originally Appeared On Psychcentral.com

Printed with permission from the author

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6 thoughts on “11 Ways Narcissists Use Shame to Control Others”

  1. Nancy Adamez Vasquez.

    You know I got that treatment from my narco friend who I kicked out of my apartment for the silent treatment & well, just his narcissistic behavior.
    I think he put one of his flying monkeys up to it, because this guy barely looked my direction nor utter a greeting.
    They decided it would be embarrassing for me to be naked in front of someone & be disguarded.
    Well the text went that I couldn’t afford cable so the cable man came to put it back on. As he got here I got naked & answered the door. Well, the guy was so disgusted by the way I showed up expecting to get action, he filed a complaint to the company. So I can’t get cable for 5 years.
    Ain’t that something. At least I’m not homeless. But my only response was keep trying to break me down, I’m at a point where I realize if I can live with several people who are like you over the years and I’m doing well, it can’t be done. You also have to remember that I have Faith. I’ll live.
    I know it’s going to get ugly. He’s been circling my apartment complex, which kept me from doing what I wanted to this evening, but I’ll keep letting him think he’s winning. I’ll be OK.

    1. Get out of the relationship and run. They can’t love people. I’ve been in that situation for 8 years it’s not healthy and 2 years on I’m still recovering from it.

    2. You may as well ask if it’s possible for a wolf to shun red meat. Get out and run while you still can. The narcissist has only one person’s interest at heart. They are profoundly selfish and vindictive with fewer redeeming features than Dickens’ Fagin. I worked for one for eight years who has now retired and is left to battle the latter stages of cancer on his own. Like Dorian Gray people were repulsed by what they saw and rightly ran a mile when his true colours were revealed. He will die alone and with any luck there’ll be a pauper’s grave somewhere where he can be buried and forgotten about after the dirt is tramped down. He truly deserves nothing less. In short wash your hands of this filth and move on with the rest of your life. It’s too short to spend among those broken beyond repair. The irony is the narcissist will implode irrespective of whether you persist with this relationship or not. Now why would I want to sit next to a cache of dynamite after the fuse has been lit?

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