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10 Reasons Why Boundaries Don’t Work

Things You Can Do

In “The Power of Personal Boundaries,” I underscore the importance of boundaries for you and your relationships in order to ensure respect, safety, and trust. In formulating boundaries, it’s critical that you identify your feelings, needs, values (e.g. honesty, fidelity, privacy, and mutual respect). Do you honor or over-ride them? Once you know your comfort zone, you can determine your boundaries. Assess your current boundaries in all areas? Codependency for Dummies has self-healing exercises that take you through these steps. Think about:

  1. What specific behaviors have you participated in or allowed that violate your values or compromise your needs and wants?
  2. How does it affect you and the relationship?
  3. Are you willing to put in the risk and effort to maintain your boundaries?
  4. What rights do you believe you have? What’s your bottom line?
  5. What have you said or done that hasn’t worked and why?
  6. What are the consequences that you can live with? Always mean what you say, and never make threats you won’t keep. Remember, all your effort is undone if you don’t maintain your boundary and consequences.
  7. How you will handle the other person’s reaction.
  8. Learn the 6 C’s of assertiveness and how to set effective boundaries in How to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits.

 

It’s important to take baby steps, get support, and practice, practice, practice. Consider the wise words of Randi Kreger:

“To maintain your limits over the long haul, you need to have conviction that the limit is necessary and appropriate. Conviction comes when you know how much it costs not have the limit in place. The longer you wait, the more it costs.” (Author of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, see www.BPDcentral.com)

©Darlene Lancer, 2018

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Written by Darlene Lancer JD, MFT
Originally appeared on WhatIsCodependency.com
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10 Reasons Why Boundaries Don't Work

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Written by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert author on relationships and codependency. She’s counseled individuals and couples for 30 years and coaches internationally. Her books include , and other online booksellers and her website, www.whatiscodependency.com,

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