The complex mysteries of the dance of the stars can be difficult to interpret. We have worked tirelessly over a magic eight ball to deconstruct the meanings of celestial bodies.

The wisdom we impart to you is the most potent kind of truth. Take care to read in between the lines as we have hidden parts of the predictions in the tiniest font.

Aries 3/21-4/19

Always willing to take risks and expand your horizons, you need to chill out. Spend some time in nature, but don’t look the wildlife in the eye. You aren’t prepared for the consequences.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Your stability is weighing you down and making you a total drag to be around. Show you are flexible and spontaneous by taking the office out to a daytime strip bar. Be sure to keep your receipt for taxes.

Gemini 5/21-6/20

The stars have shown you to be in a rut. Pick up a new hobby to showcase your multiple talents. Pole dancing is an excellent workout, that highlights your physique, coordination, and style.

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Stop being so serious about everything dear Cancer! Take the time to prank those around you. The more elaborate the set up, the more people will appreciate the sentiment. If you’re already in hot water because of all your crying, make dull moments shine by asking people ‘what exactly they are doing with their lives’.

Leo 7/23-8/22

The stars are being a right dick to you dear Leo. You are bound to find your heart’s desire in a dark and mysterious alley. You are also cosmically due for a random mugging, so choose your alleys with care.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

The stars align in your favor this period, to ensure that you have relaxed and gentle BM’s. Take advantage by eating as much Indian and Mexican food as you can afford.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Your romantic life is about to get more attention than you are aware of. Your stalkers will multiply but fight each other and cancel one another out.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

Your training comes to completion. Soon you will be a celestial ninja, righting the wrongs in your neighborhood. That jerk that always parks in your spot has it coming to him.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

You have been getting a lot of advice recently. To clear the confusion and strike out on a decisive path, Flip a coin until only one option remains. Remember that you have been blessed by the stars.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

You have been really finding yourself recently. You understand the power of your emotions and actions. The stars say that you will go about experiencing life, having emotions and doing things.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

The stars are willing to guide you to a fantastical land where the impossible happens everyday. You must pay six payments of $5.95 to your local observatory though.

Pisces 2/19-3/20

You will find significant changes occur in you. You will start to shy away from the light and crave fresh blood. As you find yourself becoming a Nosferatu, remember to stick to your prior goals.

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