Everyone has met somebody who, physical appearance aside, is just truly, deeply appealing. Whether they are physically attractive or not, members of the opposite sex flock to them in droves, and though you’d like to be annoyed by that, you might actually have a bit of a crush on them yourself. You just want to get to know them better – and so does everyone else.

Whether we are male or female, each of us likely spends hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars over the course of our lives in an effort to improve our physical appearance. We sweat at the gym, buy flattering clothes, shave, bathe, and style our hair in order to maintain our physical appeal – but how much time do we spend cultivating that curious internal magnetism that is actually the basis of most attraction?



The Law of Attraction dictates that we tend to arrive at the outcome which we most expect. Of course this principle does not always hold true – unfortunately for my toddler, who expected cookies for dinner – however, there is certainly something to it. When we radiate a genuine confidence in our actions, others tend to believe in our goals as well. After all, if we don’t believe we deserve our desired outcome, why should the rest of the world?

Focusing on reasons why we should reach our goal puts us in a more confident mindset, and genuine confidence is an infinitely attractive trait. It also helps us to perform at our best. A teenager asking a girl to a school dance is much more likely to get a “yes” if he is smiling, standing tall, and cracking jokes than if he is staring at the floor and mumbling. The message that the latter gives is that he doesn’t think she should want to go to the dance with him. This might, in turn, make her doubt her attraction to him in the first place. However, a wide smile and clever joke will make her feel comfortable, connected, and excited for the fun-filled evening ahead.

A good way to empower yourself before a big moment like this is to write down ten reasons why the person would want to say yes. Once you internalize these reasons, even if you are denied, you will feel that it is their loss and find it easier to move on from the rejection. Even more effective than doing this before a big moment is to practice it in your daily life. By consciously noticing when you elicit a smile, or when your hair looks great, or when your speech was well received, you are training your brain to look for these positive traits in yourself and, in turn, to see yourself in a flattering light. When you see yourself as an appealing, clever, magnanimous person, others will too.


Most people feel stressed and unsure of themselves when entering a new social situation. Although this is completely natural and understandable, it is far from the best mindset to be in when you want to give off a good impression. A simple trick to counteract this is to learn how to meditate. Meditation has been shown to lower stress levels, and in particular the traits of anxiety, impulsiveness, and worry, all of which often lead to social blunders. It also strengthens your mental strength and focus, creativity, and memory, qualities which are crucial to good conversation and building relationships. Best of all, it only takes twenty minutes a day.


Personal congruence is the practice of aligning your thoughts, words, and actions. Congruence is the quality that causes a person to come off to others as authentic and self-assured. Practicing congruence promotes self-confidence because you are acting with integrity, and because others are responding to you as you truly are rather than as you think they would like you to be. Being congruent is about embracing and expressing your true feelings.

Most people fail to be congruent because they do not want to show weakness. However, I have found that some of my best friends are those who have known me at my worst, most unattractive moments. There’s something very endearing and relatable about someone who is being vulnerable – even though they are not perfect. Genuine flaws are usually much more charming than a manufactured veneer of perfection.


Do things because you genuinely want to – not because you want to appear a certain way to others or to fit in. When you stop looking for validation from others, you free yourself up to pursue interests and hobbies that you may never have considered before – which will, in the end, make you a more well-rounded and interesting person. Your passion for the pursuits you have chosen will be attractive to others, because nothing is more appealing than someone who is genuinely having a good time. Think of the last truly and universally likeable person you encountered – did he need you to like him? Of course not – because he liked himself. Take back control of your self-image by worrying less about what others think of you and more about who you really are and how much you are enjoying life.


Everyone loves to talk – but few have perfected the art of listening. As the wife of a very good listener, I can tell you from the outside what a profound impact it has on people. Most people, myself included, tend to talk too much because we are eager to make a connection. However, it’s in listening that you come to truly understand a person and what makes them tick. Because he is a natural at this, my husband not only attracts people and makes them feel comfortable, but is also able to offer thoughtful insights regarding their problems, strengths, and motivations. Listening opens your mind, strengthens your sense of empathy, and develops your ability to connect. As someone who struggles to develop this skill, I cannot recommend it highly enough!


Everyone has felt the sting of rejection – even Taylor Swift. Unfortunately, if we dwell on these rejections and the reasons why others might not like us, we can train our brain to look for our flaws and blunders – creating the opposite of the effect discussed above in tip #1. The fact that not everyone will like us can be disheartening, or it can be tremendously freeing. Rejection, after all, is rarely about your defects. More often, two people simply don’t mesh well, and you are both better off putting your time and energy into other relationships.

The funny thing about becoming a truly and deeply appealing person is that, if you have this quality, you likely don’t even care – because you love yourself regardless. Your most important and long-lasting relationship is the one that you have with yourself. Cultivate that, and the rest is sure to fall into place.

This article has been republished from I Heart Intelligence.com, click here to view the original copy.