We’ve all been there – in that intoxicatingly toxic relationship. You probably remember exactly the day you first saw them, what they were wearing, what you were wearing: every detail down to a T.
The attraction is palpable; it’s magnetic. The world stands still when you’re around them, and your whole being becomes alive. You light up and fall so credulously into that person, crashing into them – your whole world suddenly ringing light.
But not too long into the magic, things start to turn. The fireworks combust, leaving you burned and confused.
How can a person that you love so much encompass both good and evil, beautiful and ugly? They’re the one person who makes you feel flawlessly whole, they give you a level of happiness that you didn’t even think existed. Because of this, your mood becomes entirely dependent on them; you feel trapped, completely naked. You hate yourself for feeling like you can’t live without this person, but you just can’t help it.
When things are good, they are beautiful: the closest thing to perfection that exists in the world. But when they are bad, it’s the most horrid thing you’ve ever come face-to-face with, leaving you confused and angry; it sucks the life out of you.
Everyone tells you to leave them – you agree. You know that this kind of roller coaster is not good for you. Rationality is always there; you know perfectly well why this person is bad for you, and for a while you do stay away. You try to fight the magnetic pull that is present at the very core of you. You put up a good fight. But your heart aches, and your body is in physical pain. You’re in horrid withdrawal. You try to fight it, but you just can’t. It’s a pull that can only be understood by those who have experienced it.
You come to a point where you don’t care about the consequences; you just know that you need to be next to this person.
So, you go back. The first time you go back is exhilarating; the pain and anger you felt when you were apart acts like an aphrodisiac, fueling your passion even more. You know too well that this happiness won’t last long – but you don’t care.
Every time you go back to your toxic love, you hope for the best. You think to yourself – this time it will be different. I won’t get hurt again. It’s impossible. And for a little while, it is bliss – the best thing in the world.
Until things turn again, and you’re in a twisted cycle of up and down; bliss and agony. Why do you stay? Because deep down, you still believe things can change. You’re smart, so you think that you can work it out; you will apply the same kind of logic that you do in all areas of your life. You want it so badly that you think there is a logical solution to working out your differences.
But somewhere at the very core of your soul, you know that with a toxic person, logic dissipates into thin air. Eventually, your hopefulness subsides and you realize that there will be an end, but it takes time to get there.
One day, you reach your breaking point. No matter how much you love them, you can’t forgive the other person anymore. You know that this toxic love doesn’t have a happy ending, and you’re slowly accepting that this was another kind of love: a much darker and sadder kind of love.
As much as you want to believe that this person will change for you, realistically, they never will.
It’s important that you recognize and accept that no matter how happy a person can make you, if they also bring out the worst in you, they are the wrong person for you.
When someone is toxic, and brings you down to your lowest low, they will hurt you again.
You’re not weak for slipping into familiar patterns, you’re human. But ultimately, your happiness is in your hands. You deserve a love that exists on one entity of happiness, not onboth misery and ecstasy.
And you should never settle for less than you deserve.