Flattery and charm are the two weapons used by narcissists and sociopaths to trap their targets. Initially (sometimes for a long period), unsuspecting victims cannot figure out the ulterior motives behind the idealization. Heaped with praises, one feels top of the world and special, but this is as much injurious as is mental and physical abuse. They ensnare their victim with such sugar coated behavior that it’s impossible for an innocent person to escape their debauchery.
1) Idealization is the best bait to entrap someone. The effect is quick, as attention and adoration are not easy to come by. Psychopaths make it so real that the victim rebounds with all the love he or she is capable of, and very fast. There is no way to interpret the passionate love displayed as anything vicious. One starts to think they have ultimately met the perfect soul mate and hey can’t stop expressing these feelings with equal passion they are made to believe existing in the relationship.
2) Soaked in happiness, the victim can’t stop discussing their excitement about the relationship with their friends and relatives. This constant flattery helps the psychopath seek complete attention and trust. Mutual idealization continues on the social platform and with all the likes and comments, even a relationship based on complete falsehood seems to be true. The victim feels proud and lucky.
3) The emotional abuser gradually begins to withdraw. Initially it’s difficult to figure out anything clearly, but you can feel something has changed. Communication is reduced and so is their interest. One feels like as if they are a burden. They gradually make themselves scarce and never show up on time for ay meeting. However, it’s never easy for the victim to understand the lack of communication and interest is preplanned and deliberate. They continue to idealize who they think is their soul mate and start making efforts to make things work. So, they want to overlook everything and be forwarding and adaptive.
4) Even when everything is falling apart, the victim cannot bring themselves to accept the faults of their so called lover. They keep speaking highly of their tormentor. They continue to be under the impression that their love and warmth will set things right. While the victim tries to induce positive energy and more love into the relationship, the psychopath becomes more cruel and abusive. But, the state of the mind of victim is such that they cannot say a word against their abuser.
5) And this lets the psychopath become even worse. For everything they blame the victim and punish them with their piercing criticism and maddening silence. The psychopath calls the victim crazy and hypersensitive and finally abandons them. All the crying and pleading doesn’t work. The victim cannot accept to anyone that their dream has shattered because to everyone their relationship is perfect, the ideal one. This person means the world to them, they are lost and accepting the reality is too much for them.
6) Left bitter and sore with the abandonment, people try to find out what went wrong. Why they were punished for loving? And when they do a bit of research on the net they come to know about psychopaths. As they learn more and more, they realize they had been victimized by a psychopath, an emotional abuser. Little by little they are able to trace the similarity with all the treatment they have been meted out. Grief gets transformed into anger as questions find their answers. Their truth changes forever and they can no longer see the world as before.
7) Even after the realization, the victim is left to deal with the situation. When they tell everyone about the abuse, no one quite believes them. After all, everyone was under the impression that he/she was having a perfect relationship and was truly happy. They fail to explain why they continued to bear the abuse and said all the good things about the person. Instead of coming across as victim they sound crazy and bitter. Handling rejection becomes tough and they have no one to reach out to as no one believes them.
This is what emotional abuser’s trap is. No one can beat them. They take their victim to such state of mind that the victim turns blind and heaps them with praise ad adoration. When they finally start abusing (for which they had laid the trap), the victim is stuck. The worst happens when their own friends hold them responsible ad label them ‘crazy’. It crushes them and destroys them and that is the final ad ultimate blow by the psychopath.
Is there any way to heal, to recover? But, you have to know how and where to reach out. There is definitely need to share your story. You can’t keep all the pain within. But, share your story with those people who know what you have faced. Forums and journals can help you. If you need therapy, seek a therapist who understands manipulators and mind games. They should have knowledge about Cluster B personality disorders. A therapist who doesn’t have proper knowledge and experience can end up complicating your situation even more. As this was just not any ‘ordinary’ break up, the last thing you want to be told is “breakups are part of life” or “forget it”. There is need for someone who can open the knots in your brain and help you attain peace.
Tell yourself, you are not crazy or bipolar. Be firm on that. Because that is what the emotional abuser trap was all about. You are not needy, jealous, hypersensitive or insane as the psychopath had pronounced you to be. Your challenge is to escape this trap. You are a fighter and you will survive this. Don’t try to justify yourself to anyone. Stop finding faults within you. Be kind to yourself. Gradually you will find calm and strength to recover. And one day you will find yourself in the position to speak about your experience powerfully because you will move from the state of haphazard to stability.
So say farewell to these games. You are not alone. Share your story with people who get it, and slowly you will find that this nightmare becomes nothing more than a strange, distant memory. The psychopath does not matter. It’s the subsequent recovery journey that changes everything.
You don’t need to be the sufferer. You are not the only one; there are many more people who have been victimized in the similar way. Tell your story to those who understand and gradually it will be a thing of the past, a strange experience. The psychopath holds no significance in your life. It is the path to recovery that matters. Brave it and life has many beautiful shades to reveal to you.