“Men are simple creatures!”

I hear this dismissive statement ALL the time. So much so, that now even men are speaking it. It pisses me off! Me and my brothers…are NOT simple. We are unbelievably complex, mysterious and beyond beautiful in very unique ways.

All things being fair, men have created this worldview of ourselves and it’s not women’s fault this statement is now articulated with a condescending giggle and eye roll to follow. (insert the sound of clinking apple-tini glasses here.)

You girls have given up on us, or at least dumbed us down to a form of low expectations so your disappointments in us are tolerable. We get it!  And, if you haven’t listened to my 8 min short film called, “The Apology Project”, please do that now and then continue reading.

Women need a guide. Not a manipulation manual of how to get a guy to do what you want. Not another book from an excited feminist over-eager to convince women they don’t need us guys which is really a disguise for not dealing with her own wounds from men.  A guide. You know what…that’s not the right word either.

You need a Man Interpreter!!

There! In the hundreds of women I speak to, it’s all the same question…“what did he mean by that?”

Hello, I’m the women’s ambassador here, ready, capable and qualified to translate and build bridges between the sexes. You lovely ladies have been saying the EXACT same things: how do you get a good man? How do you keep it magical?

What you do NOT know is guys, well we’re asking the same question!

So let’s jump in the deep end. This is a controversial subject which usually lands me in kinds of boiling (and frigid) water with you girls but in the end, you warm up, cool down and join me in the middle ground of dry land where we can all look at each other and say, “Hey, I kinda dig you.”

While men normally mean much more than they convey, it’s usually not what you think.

Below is a list of what we say, what we mean, and the many translations in between. Bare with me, this is gonna get a bit ugly, but we’ll muddle through it together.

I love you = Among the scariest words a man will say, what he means is…“this is me and I hope you see me too. You have ignited so many feelings in me that these three little words are all I can muster.”

You’re Beautiful = “I only have these two words to tell you how exquisite I think you are and so I’ll default to this one that will safely get me closer to you.”

I’m Tired = “Please don’t think of me as weak, I don’t know how else to tell you that I’m up against trials and don’t know how to ask for help.”

He says nothing = “lead me into something of importance, a space where I can tell you how I really feel.”

You’re being emotional (if said with anger or an elevated tone) = “I’m not comfortable with or don’t know my own emotions and you sharing yours are showing me this inadequacy in myself.”

You’re being emotional (if said with no emotion) = “I need help understanding how you feel in terms of what you think, so I can think like that too and maybe, if it’ safe, I’ll understand how you feel too.”

Did you cum? = “I want to please you sexually and I’m scared I may not be performing right. Please show me how to drive you wild in a way you’ll brag to your friends that you’re dating/married to a sexual love god!”

Are you wearing that? = “I want to compliment you and curious to know if THIS outfit is your final selection so I can dress accordingly. Or…are you going to try on five more outfits and if so, I’ll just hang here on the couch a little longer and watch sports/news/Simpsons re-runs until you get really fired up at me.”

(Call/Text) What are you doing? = “I’m really curious about you right now and was just thinking about you so I’m calling/texting to help me get a visual of what it would be like to be with you in this moment.”

(In person) What are you doing? = “As a doer, I need help translating the actions I see into your intended meaning.”

What are you wearing? = (this is a rare question. I wouldn’t worry about this unless you’re actually dating a fashionable man (which is like 1 percent of 1 percent of all men…ever)

What do you want to do? = “I’ve already thought of a few ideas, actually may even have a full evening planned, but I’m nervous you may not approve and so I’m checking in with you for a pre-approval. Sorry for my lack of confidence.”

Can we stay in tonight? = “I feel quiet and want to spend time with just you. Please let this one night of laziness be okay.”

I don’t like your friend(s)/family =  (either #1 or #2 and sometimes both)
“I feel your friends don’t treat you as as good as you deserve and it makes me defensive/protective of you.”


“I feel your friends may not like me and are talking you out of seeing (being with) me.”

There it is. The simple things men say and yes, drives women bat-shit crazy! Complex creatures saying simple things, not sharing their feelings and hiding behind heady questions of nothingness causing the women to become interpreters, mind readers and investigators with ninja-like cross examination of verbal judo. It’s exhausting!

Men aren’t the bad asses that society (movies, expectations, business, ect) portray them to be. They’re creatures of primal programming desiring all the same needs as women and simply go about it differently, both in language and thought patterns. We bleed, often profusely, exhausted with the concealment for thinking of us as weak if we just…feel.

Get a man to feel, and you’ll experience the strength of powerful masculinity you never thought possible. What an adventure we are.

Gasp!  I know, I know…we don’t mean to come off as Neanderthal knuckle-draggers, but hey, we love and adore you so be patient and if it gets ugly, just contact me, I’ll walk you through it.

We men … we’re not so bad.