“I wish no one would ever mess with your head or send you mixed signals. Like they were so into one day and then blew you off the next. I wish no one would wait two days to text you back, because you know they had their phone of them the entire time. Because I only want things to be simple for you. And I only want you to be happy. Because you deserve that. Because you deserve people being honest with you.” -Taylor Swift
Even saying your name to my friends, left them questioning why I was giving you another chance. Cause it wasn’t just a second chance but rather chance 5,650. But there was something about you, I thought I saw something in you. I thought if I just kept trying, maybe we could get it right.
What I didn’t realize was, I was playing a game, I was bound to lose the whole time. I didn’t see it then though. Because I’m not the type to give up on people. I’m not the type to ever walk away, I give people my best every time and hope it’s reciprocated.
I wanted to believe in you.
I thought I saw something in you. In fact I know I did. I saw bits and pieces of the man you could be, but it takes the right woman to bring out the man in a boy. Maybe I wasn’t right. Maybe we weren’t right.
And everyone told me I was playing with fire with you. They told me I was gonna get burnt. They told me don’t walk towards danger. They saw what I didn’t want to. We see things when we want to, not always when we need to.
I was willing to fight for you.
I didn’t care what people said about you. I didn’t care about your reputation. I didn’t care about how many times you hurt me and left me alone and crying. For some reason my heart chose you and I followed it, fearlessly.
Everyone said such horrible things about you. Even people saying your name left everyone’s tongues bitter, and wanting to change the subject. Every conversation with everyone ended with, “I hate him.”
But I didn’t. I loved you more than anyone. And I would have done anything for you.
I wanted to prove, everyone wrong about you.
I wanted so badly to prove to everyone they were wrong. I wanted everyone to see you in the light I did. But more than that I think in my stubborn nature, I didn’t want to be wrong. I didn’t want to look back at this all and realize I wasted my time. I wanted everyone to like you the way I did. But it wasn’t just like, it was a cruel game of love that swallowed me whole.
But you broke me…
I remember standing there, as the calls went right to voicemail. I remember looking at my phone as texts were delivered, but no response. I remember going to bed every night crying for so long. I don’t know what I did to deserve any of that.
All I ever did was love you the best I could.
But you left me high and dry when you were done with me.
You were quick to make phone calls in the late hours of the night and I answered every time. I gave you what you wanted. If you asked me to come, I would have.
But you used me.
I believed you when you told me we’d get it right eventually. I held onto that. I held onto every conversation. I reread messages as you told me you loved me, because I truly did love you. I loved you more than anyone. I would have chosen you first. I would have loved you with everything I was capable of. I would have given you the best of me.
Then left me to pick up the pieces.
And all you could reciprocate, was thanking me for being a temporary fix, until you got the real thing. But to me, you were the real thing. You were every thought at night. You were every wish. But I didn’t mean as much to you.
And you let me go and you walked away, not looking back.
And I was the fool, for being surprised.
And no one said I told you so. Because, when you place your bets on the one person no one else wants to, that moment you lose, you’re left to deal with it on your own. Because you know everyone was right.
So I took my tears and silently wept, in the privacy of my room, as the darkness screamed your name so loudly.
I was the only one to believe in you. I was the only one to love you as I did. I was the only one who saw good and didn’t define you by how badly you treated me.
You made a fool of me. And I promised myself after you, no one would ever do such a thing to me again.
I know you aren’t defined by who you are at your worst. I know the man you’ll amount to one day. But getting there took breaking the one person, who loved you most of all. I just hope it was worth it.
I hope when you speak my name, it send shivers of regret, throughout your body. I hope my name tastes as bitter, coming off your tongue, as yours does me.
But most of all I do wish you the best. The best though was always me, and that’s what you’ll live with or rather without, because if ever you do come back, that’s a call I’ll let go right to voicemail.
“Oh, and the award for The best lie goes to you For making me believe…Let’s hear your speech, oh How about a round of applause A standing ovation But you put on quite a show Really had me going.” -Rihanna