*Author’s Note: This is a response to an article written by Dina Strada on Elephant Journal, 7 Types of Men to Stay Away From. It seems like Dina wrote it from her heart, and based on the reactions I read on Facebook, many women agree with her. I have imitated her style and form in an effort to show another perspective, my perspective—a man’s perspective.
As men, it’s too easy to assume women are what we see on the outside.
Drawn in by her looks, a smile, we are quick to let our guard down and minimize any negative qualities. We want to believe she is kind, loving and can make a damn good sandwich.
We can usually explain why we fall. It’s usually because she’s pretty and hasn’t given us a reason not to.
It’s not surprising, then, that many men fall for the same types of woman over and over again, even if it always turns out the same way.
Complete f*cking bullsh*t.
If you stop and take an outsider’s look at your current relationship, you may realize you are in this pattern right now. The good news is, now you can predict the future!
Everyone can change, though, and who knows, maybe this time it will turn out differently. But chances are, you’re in for another heartache. Here is a short list of seven types of women I would recommend avoiding in a long-term relationship:
1. The Fixer Upper
This girl is just a few short qualities away from perfect. She hasn’t quite learned her own self-worth. Her confidence may be a little low. Self-deprecating humor is her favorite defense against the world.
But if you could just get her to see herself the way you see her!
Stop now! She is the only one in charge of her happiness and her self-esteem. She has to discover her amazingness herself. She will only see you as someone with bad judgment if you try to tell her she is better than she sees herself. Find a woman who loves herself. I promise you. She will love you harder than you can imagine.
2. The Over-Communicator
The girl is just downright annoying. She wants to tell you everything about everything. And she wants to hear it, too. This girl needs a girlfriend. Not you. She will sap all of your energy leaving nothing left for romance. Not to mention, she will kill the mystery. Half of the fun of a new relationship is the discovery. And much like exploring a new city, it is best done slowly and physically.
She will talk when she’s nervous, talk when she’s scared, talk when she’s aroused and talk when she’s lonely. And it won’t stop. It might be cute for a few dates, but as a man, we need silence sometimes. Communication is key in any relationship, but not everything has to be revealed at once. And some things are better just left alone.
You are her boyfriend, not her mother, not her best friend. Let the correct people fill those roles and you will be better at yours.
3. The Overly Experienced Girl (?)
I don’t know how to say this without pissing someone off, but if someone has had a lot of partners, there may be a reason—maybe she gets bored easily, or doesn’t stay with men for the right reasons. That said, it’s not fair to make assumptions toward another based on the number of partners they may have had, so you might want to do some self-reflection if you find yourself judging her on this.
4. The Girl Who Wants The Bad Boys
You’ve heard a thousand girls say it: “Why do I always fall for Jerks!?!” He treats her like crap and she goes home with him. She is attracted to his confidence, not his disregard for her feelings. She is attracted to his well taken care of body, not his Affliction tee shirts. She sees a man who can protect her, lead her and provide for her. He gives her the tingling feeling that overrides her better sense of judgment.
But he will have a thousand more “options,” just like her, and when she comes (back) to you, she will be thinking of him. You have two choices here: be her second choice, or be the “jerk” she’s lusting for. Well, three choices I guess. You could also just walk away.
Choice two is by far the best one here. Take care of yourself. Eat well. Lift weights. Be successful and educate yourself. I take this whole thing back—if she wants the bad boy, be the bad boy. Hopefully you can do this without becoming a d*ck.
5. The Girl Who Doesn’t Love You In Return
Have you read that love languages book? No? Read it! Learn what it means and what it feels like to be loved. You are not there just to buy her flowers and rub her back and take her to nice dinners and buy her a pretty dress and compliment her and learn her favorite dance and make all of her dreams come true. She has to reciprocate the love and it has to be in a way that you value and appreciate.
If she doesn’t “love” you in the way that you recognize, things will go badly. You’ll resent her or you’ll pity yourself. Good news is, if she really does love you, you two can talk it out and she can learn to do the things that show how much she appreciates you.
But if after a long period of time the relationship seems one sided, well, it probably is. It takes work, but it has to come from both sides. This one is tough, but if she doesn’t love you back, walk away.
6. The Jaded Girl
This poor girl has been severely let down by a man in her past (or several). Some man walked out on her when she needed him. He abused her. He cheated on her. He used her or he lied to her. She hasn’t forgotten and she hasn’t moved on. In her eyes, all men are the devil. You look great to her, but she’s always waiting for you to reveal your true colors. She doesn’t just anticipate it; she expects it.
Until she forgives the man (men) of her past and moves beyond it, she will never truly lower her guard enough to love again. She will never be vulnerable. You will always be just outside her circle of passion. She will second-guess what you tell her. She will be suspicious of your friends. She will make you feel like you’ve done something wrong until you can’t take it any more.
I don’t know how, but some girls can move past a bad past relationship, some can’t. If you see evidence that she is the latter, get out now. Find a sweet girl whose heart is full of hope and chase your dreams together.
7. The Pet-Project Girl
This girl thinks she can make you into the man of her dreams. You are just close enough to what she’s always wanted, and with just a little time and motivation (manipulation?) she can turn you into “The Best” version of yourself.
No! No! No! If you have to change, even a little bit for her to love you, don’t do it! I will say it again. If she can’t love you as you are, she doesn’t love you!
Be yourself and the right one will find you. Be yourself. Be yourself. Be yourself! Give her the truth and let her decide.
So, I’m going to end this by contradicting myself completely. All of these girls can change and all of these girls deserve to find the love that you are searching for as well. This list is my list. This list may be a good starting point for you, but you may need the “Pet Project Girl” #7. She might be just the thing that turns your life around and puts you on a path to life long success.
You may be the outrageously patient guy who reminds #6 that not all guys are the same. It may take 20 years, but you may be the one who restores her faith and lights a spark that burns brighter than a super nova. She was just waiting for you!
#5 May be suffering from a messed up childhood. She grew up in a home where nobody hugged or said nice things. She doesn’t know how to feel about someone treating her so well. She is confused, but she knows her world is better with you in it. You may be the selfless person who makes her life worth living.
As for girl #4, if you decide to live life intentionally and pursue your goals, people will resist you. They will tell you girls are attracted to personality, not ripped bodies. They will tell you that you don’t need to study for the BAR, you’ll never become a lawyer. They will remind you of your failed juice shop and try to convince you to take a normal job. But some of you need to go your own way. Make your own life. Great news though—if you make it to the top, people will talk sh*t about you and you won’t care.
Oh, and the overly experienced girl from #3? Yeah, there’s a perfect match for her out there as well. Or not. Maybe she takes care of her own business and doesn’t want a man to take care of her. It’s none of my business.
#2 loves to talk. And her man will love to listen. He will be her boyfriend, best friend, mother, counselor, and confidant. They will share a Facebook page and the whole world will see daily reminders of how in love they are together.
And you, the guy who read all the way to the end of this? You’re gonna be the one who shows #1 how amazing she really is. Like a rose grown in the garden of your soul, she will grow and blossom into a beautiful woman with your care and support. And she will be yours.
I didn’t write this to tell you whom to love. I wrote this because I was frustrated.
I’m sick of people labeling people. We’re all in this together and we’re all different. Change the genders in here to what ever you want. Man, woman, trans, bi, gay, Black, White, American, Canadian, Peruvian…I don’t care. Every person you meet is different; and if you pigeonhole them before you give them a chance you are cheating yourself out of a chance to discover someone amazing.
Open your heart and see what happens.
Submitted by Nikolas Coverstone